Look alive, sunshine.

Sad enough to say that alone I could barely light a match
But together we can burn this place down.

“are you falling asleep?”

“no, i’m falling apart.”

In my dreams we fly away from all the palm trees of this place and the smell of its decay.
I can taste the clouds and my wings can carry me to your window, where you will hold me in your arms and kiss me softly as you stroke my cheek and say “Oh my angel, you hold my heart, I’ve been dreaming of you like you have me can you touch my skin and lay your kisses on my cheeks and to Manhattan sweep me away?”
No more, no less in pools of water after all the rain has left I see your gaze. No more, no less, I’m longing for a Neverland where I can make you oh so happy.

In my dreams we fly away from all the pain and school bell rings. To a city that never sleeps and I can see you smile all day. And I can show you just how beautiful complications can be, from the roof top I can lean in close and whisper in your ear:
“Can you see, its not the same, the stars are spelling out your name”
And the moon can only frown because it will never be as beautiful as you.

five winters ago, i used to catch the bus into the city every saturday.

Before i got to town i jumped off the bus almost everytime and detoured through the cemetery. I would sit on the cold ground and reflect on everything, sitting amongst so many souls in a crowded room knowing i was the only one that could get up and leave.

I surrounded myself by death just to know i was still alive.

jew.

ryan/chino

dollar/dollop/yummeh/pork chops/bakers man/gilly pilly/milly pilly

bed/pillows/heart pillow/spoon/sleep/talking/4am wide awake

beetlejuice/dexter/henry rollins (lol)/meet the robinsons/pineapple express/step brothers/CREEP.

the zoo/movies/syke/melbourne/USA

crossies, doesn’t count!/dont read my diary!/im gonna spoon you till you bleed/im not gonna call him dad, ever, even if theres a fire/brenan better stay out of my way, or i’ll drop that motherfucker

zebra rings/leather jackets

crumpets/scrambeled eggs/hash browns/tea

who would think that within a month i would find such an amazing friendship with one person. she makes me laugh so much, i am always happy when i am with her and she feels like such an old friend when essentially she is a new face. trouble surrounds me at times and i know she will be there to pick up the pieces, and for that, i say thankyou.

I’ve got a tight grip on reality but I can’t let go of what’s in front of me here.
I know you’re leaving in the morning, when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream

six thousand, nine hundred and thirty-five days i’ve been on this earth. who would think i would end up so happy and accomplished so much in this time.

Today is a happy birthday for me. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. they know who they are, and im sure they know this is about them when they read this.

So happy. I could die.

For a while today, I hated you. I hated you for being so beautiful and real. I hated you for waking up at night to find your arms around me. I hated your honesty and the way you make people relax when you are around them. I hated you for loving me unconditionally. You have called me on years of cheap emotion and cruelty that came from my fears. When you look at me and smile I no longer feel scared or feel the need to run out of the room gasping for air. You don’t make me feel like life is a waste of time and that all you get is cold sweating, dark moments in small rooms all over the world, spending time with other desperate characters who are tearing the path across the night skies of desolation.

Could you believe that I didn’t know what to do with your slow, warm affection? Could you believe I was scared by your endless giving giving and giving? It took me a while to be able to feel welcomed by your strength that never shows off, never brags, but just nourishes and makes time stop. The feeling of hatred passed in the time it takes for an eye to twitch, and I realized that I have to take care of myself because I belong to someone. Someone is thinking of me right now. I never doubt it. I know you will always be there. Yeah, I’m in my room somewhere. It’s freezing outside and I am exhausted. Too many things to do. Too many people to answer to all the time.

From here I think of you, and only you. 

I was sitting in my comfort squeezed chair on a cramped flight to Melbourne wondering many things the other day, stupid and trivial things mainly, like is Bret Michaels okay? In all honesty, he had a brain haemorrhage the other day and after all the stupid jokes you make about his hair extensions and the slutty TV shows he makes that everyone either is obsessed to watch, or find as a guilty pleasure, it is still a human beings life.

He has a mother and a father, friends, family, freak fangirls who all love him…some a little to much than what is needed, but it makes me wonder, not to sound as if the world is ending and we are all doomed to be happy, but its things like death that really bring out the truth and simplicity someones life contained.

You may not remember some moments, most certainly the things that people say in their lifetime while they are still here because you know you can just see them the next day, give them a call or send them a text and just know, they are still there, and you are reassured they will just simply.. be there. But what about if they weren’t there the next day? terrible things happen to good people, and terrible things happen to some pretty terrible people too but no matter what, death brings out memories in anyone who has been impacted by someone who has passed, good or bad.

Upon thinking about thinking and over analysing things at 4am in my warm bed I started thinking about the people I have personally lost that I have loved, and the people around me who have lost someone. I’ve lost family members, i’m sure everyone has had to go through that at some point in their life, and no matter how much empathy you may have for your friends, if it happens to you it’s like your world comes crashing down. I lost my grandparents when I was really young, it sucked, i was young, but i moved on. When I was older I understood death, it personally scares me to think that it will happen to me one day, the thought that I wont be able to see my family or friends again, or even sit down and talk shit on crap bands and haters, all the things I do in my teenage life, as much as I love it and I enjoy it, it is all trivial. I have not experienced the things that bring the upmost joy to someone in their life that a lot of people get to enjoy, buying their first house - knowing you can have a piece of the world to say its yours and no one else can touch it without your permission, marriage - as much as i don’t think its for me at the moment it’s purely because I haven’t experienced or met anyone that I think I could spend the rest of my life with, but hopefully one day. I want to travel, I have already seen a lot in my short time in the world so far, but there is so much more to see, so much more to do and endless amounts of amazing people i’m yet to come in contact with. Which makes me worry because one day all these dreams and aspirations could all go away, you have to be careful. Ive been reading a lot of Henry Rollins’ writings as of late, and he made a good point of saying that humans are pretty much fucked. We have to make jails and cells to keep our kind away from killing each other. we lie, cheat steal, kill, hate, start wars which starts all the lies hate and killings happen again, so think about it, with all the disease and unrest in the world you have to be careful from dying. You could walk onto your street one day and get hit by a fucking bus, so on top of always having that in the back of your mind you have to worry about motherfuckers killing you and attempting to prevent any form of disease from entering your body and killing you.

I’m a reckless motherfucker. Bad habits will get the best of me. but i’m young, i’m dumb (i’m stung…) I’m not perfect but i’ll keep living my life the way I am, but it’s not to say I don’t wonder if simple days aren’t savoured properly, which makes me realise I can’t let go, I wont let go, because I don’t want to.

Light has found its way here
And all I can hear are memories shrill and clear
Like today man had his way
And stole and what I made
He saw that I was sincere

So use me up, then throw me away
Build your careers and friendships
Quote on Quote and frankly I’m ashamed
That I left my name on her lips
Cause when it ends they’ll swear it is

So I’ll fall asleep and try not to think twice
About all the things that forever
Will kick me down the steps
For being too nice
Cause everyone’s searching for treasure

I’m digging a hole.
I’ll shut out the world.
This is what its like to be alone,
This is what its like to be alone.